Where Montoids Hang Out This Summer

A BRAVE and busy gallery in Amagansett town, about six miles west of Montauk, has been chosen by the Montoids themselves as the Montoid Marketplace, where travelers can purchase Montoids to take home, love and carefully cherish for all of the good luck, fine health and fabulous wealth they bring to their human companions. The store is called "GONE LOCAL" and it's on the main drag, next to a liquor store and two doors down from Mary's Marvelous. Just ask for Susan and she will tell you everything you need to know to become a Montoid collector. Or call 631-267-5315.

A HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY FROM THE MONTOIDS OF ERIE & IRISH OF MONTAUK

A LITTLE SON OF ERIN and his parents are preparing to march in the Montauk St. Patrick's Day Parade.

The Oldest Crab Stories Ever Told

Customer: "Do you serve crabs here?"

Isabelle the psychic waitress: "Sit down, we serve anybody."

Crabby Customer: "I don't want to share a table."

Isabelle the psychic waitress: "That's because you're shellfish."

THE CONSENSUAL SEXUAL AGREEMENT ~ THE NEW iPHONE APP THAT'S SAVING REPUTATIONS ALL OVER AMERICA

PEARLY AT iPHONE STORE (little genius at right) helps introduce the new, best-selling iPhone app, The Consensual Sexual Agreement (With Military Codicil)(TM) ~ or CSA for short. All parties to a sexual experience simply read, fill out, agree to and sign the CSA on their iPhone.The parties to the CSA app are forewarned of legal, moral and physical dangers of sexual liasons, alerted as to what laws must be considered, and made personally libel in unlimited amounts if they "kiss and tell" or otherwise blab to anyone, without permission of all parties involved. With a CSA, if you kiss and tell, you will also pay. The CSA could have saved Tiger Woods millions. The CSA is authored by renown defense attorney Edwin Larger, and he has introduced it and collected big in successful breach of contract lawsuits.

THE CONSENSUAL SEXUAL AGREEMENT(TM) is the talk of The Little Girls' Room, where Keb'Ma, the blue singer, and her bluefish, Kevin, arrive for an evening of the dirty, low-down songs and stories she is infamous for. "I am a rich, international star," says Keb'Ma, "and prey for men who make their reps by telling the New York Post they's been sleeping with me. But when they sign off on that consenting sexy agreement, they're trapped. If they squeal, I make 'em pay in court, and most of the guys I sleep with know I'll collect so they ain't tempted. And that goes for the girls, too." 

TINA BROWN and HEATHER, both early adopters of the Consensual Sexual Agreement (With Military Codicil)(TM) app, come to The Little Girls' Room to hear Keb'Ma sing and the bluefish Kevin back her up on the marimba. 

"STRANGE TIMES," says Darkness, the owner of The Little Girls' Room. "My Daddy told me, when I was in pigtails, 'Do right and fear no man, don't write and fear no woman.' So nobody in their right mind ever signed a contract before coitus. But now, with that new sex app for the iPhone, even the teenagers are doing it! To sign the CSA app is super-chic and Heather's Habitually Chic will do a story about it one morning soon. It's the app that's revolutionizing celebrity sex. "