And So the Trial Begins

JUDGE MAMMOTH Montoid and his chief clerk, Charlye, as they appear in court on the first day of the trial. Charlye makes all of the judicial decisions and whispers them in His Honor's ear. An elected Republican with a rural background, Judge Mammoth is a known vegetarian who believes that cattle are sacred creatures. However, on his farms the Judge breeds bulls, which he sends to Mexico and Spain to meet their fates. Lawyers for both Sky and Lila Diane Sawyer have asked him to recuse himself because of conflict of interest, but Mammoth scoffed, "As a Republican, I will bend over backwards for anybody and anyone who thinks otherwise is in contempt."

THE JUDGE'S groupies. Marjorie Montoid (on the right) works days as the sex columnist for the New York Post. She has informed her readers that, "Diane's best hope is a hung jury."

THE PRESS Box, where Bloggers are given a place of importance equal to the Jury Box. It is crowded with small fry, but there are two heavy hitters: Habitually Chic's Heather in classic Brazilian polka dots and Maureen Dowd of the Times, who is cleverly disguised as a lavandar-sweet schoolgirl.

THE MEDIA gather like gnats around a ripe peach. Anderson C. Montoid, his pale skin freshly tanned from his mission to Haiti, arrives with his live-in girlfriend Astrud. His presence signals a media circus is on its way.

LILA DIANE Sawyer, to use her full name, is escorted into the courtroom by Anderson C., her longtime friend and colleague. Diane is impeccably dressed, as usual, and Anderson, as usual, has stepped into something dark and sticky.

BRAD (in drag for his new role) and Angelina Montoid with their latest child have booked a full front row behind the defense table. "We want our baby to witness history," said Angelina.

A PAPARAZZI photographer catches Maureen, looking slim and deceptively cute, heading to the Little Girl's Room for an all- female briefing about what's really going on behind the scenes.

LILA DIANE and her friend Jean from Kentucky also head for the Little Girl's Room to remove a dark, sticky substance from Lila's right shoe.

THE JURY, standing in the Jury Box, required two weeks to select. Almost everyone in the jury pool swore they could not bring a verdict against Lila Diane, no matter what. Shown here are the only jurors who swore they would be impartial.

A THREE-JUDGE APPEALS panel immediately rules on any contested decision by The Judge, which makes the Montoid court system the swiftest and most efficient on earth. The Appeals judges are all ogling Lila Diane Sawyer, who has crossed her legs at the defense table.

OUTSIDE the courthouse the streets are crowded with unruly fans and supporters of Sky Montoid, whose frivolous lawsuit against Lila Diane Sawyer triggered a tsunami of chatter.

HEATHER and Carolina Herrera are on their way to see what's so hot in the Little Girl's Room.

AS USUAL, Anderson C. tracks down Lila Diane to the Little Girls' Room and tells her the bad news.

RUFFIANS are manhandling Montoids in the streets for no apparent reason after generations of living peacefully together without reported incidents.

REMEMBERING HER days at The White House press office, Lila Diane stalks boldly into a crowd of cowardly bullies and talks them into letting the frightened Montoids go.

THAT NIGHT, Lila Diane and a waif child are spotted at the MOMA.